‘Hi.’ Sawyer walks out of the garden gate to see Jameson waiting out there for her at the back entrance. their engagement had taken an abrupt turn, and it was a sight to see both their families rally into action to protect them. She is meant to be staying away from him until the next time she’d see him at the altar so he should not be here. ‘Jameson you shouldn’t be there.’
‘I should. I need to talk to you.’
Sawyer sees the serious look in his eyes; even though this was a contractual arrangement between them, Jameson wanted to observe all the traditions, for him to break this means this is something serious.
‘Let’s sit by the pond.’ She leads him to the far end of the garden, her favourite spot growing up, so whatever it is, good or bad, she will be comforted.
‘Brandy was my fiancée.’ Saying those words unlocks something in Jameson, he felt a shift inside and a lift in his aura.
‘Okay.’ Sawyer is almost too quiet, fighting the urge to reach out to him and protect this moment for him.
‘She killed herself two days to our wedding, I guess she was stressed from it all, from trying to be the perfect girlfriend, fiancée, daughter, sister… She’d go days with little sleep because she wanted the wedding to be perfect. She was a perfectionist, a severe perfectionist that meant her mental health suffered and I was working so hard on everything I was building, I didn’t stop to see, to really look at her and see how badly she was struggling.’ Jameson pauses, fighting for breaths as if he is drowning. ‘After autopsy I found out she was eight weeks pregnant.’
‘Jameson, look at me, breathe. I’m here I’m not going anywhere just breathe for me baby.’
Jameson does as she asks, taking deep breaths one after the other.
‘You good?’
‘Yeah. Thanks.’
‘You don’t have to tell me this tonight.’
‘I want to.’
‘Okay.’
‘If she told me what she was going through, I was not listening well enough, so I hold myself responsible for that. I wonder sometimes if we weren’t worth it, worthy of her holding on for us and then I get mad at myself for thinking about it like that. I found her. I stopped by her house that morning to see her, because I was worried about her, and there she was, in bed, bottle of pills in her hands and a note on the bedside table addressed to me. For a long time, all I could see was her dead face and how peaceful she was, how beautiful she was, in death. I’d close my eyes, and she’d float into my mind, and it’d fuck me up something awful. I threw myself into work, used it to cover my heartache until my mother insisted, I go to therapy. It’s been helping. Lately however, I don’t see her face anymore I see yours.’ Jameson looks at Sawyer, unsure what she is thinking, ‘I guess I’m telling you this now because I was going to tell you the night of our wedding for fear that you might leave before we even got started, but it doesn’t sit right with me. I know we have an arrangement, but if you don’t want to go through with this, I’ll understand and I’m sorry for keeping this from you.’
They sit in silence for a few moments, Sawyer processing all that Jameson just told her; the last piece to his puzzle, she knew he was holding something back and she cannot blame him for holding this back considering how finite their time is together. She reaches out to him and pulls him close for a hug and then the gentlest of kisses on his head. ‘I’m still in.’
For the first time in a long time, Jameson began to breath easy. He seals them with a kiss that conveys the weight of his feelings.
‘I’ll see you in a few.’