life etc.

“Love. Happiness and All That Other Sh!t.”

Life is full of rules and regulations, guidelines on what’s expected of you, codes of conduct on behaviour…the list goes on. You’d hope that certain things wouldn’t be so mind numbingly complicated like say, dating and relationships. You would, wouldn’t you? BUT Nooooooo, someone, somewhere came up with a whole bunch of rules to add to the drama. My friend and I were reminiscing the other day, about said rules and regulations and guidelines and whatever else the universe throws out there, which we blindingly observed in the course of dating and relationships. Here are a few we broke apart and tried to fix together…we tried, but take it with a pinch of salt and a side of sarcasm…

Flowers.

I don’t care much for flowers, I never have. Even though I love a floral print in spring time, there’s something cliché about a guy giving a girl flowers; its lazy. A copout even, almost like an after thought; when in doubt get her flowers. You know… I mean sure its a nice gesture and its the thought that counts but I can easily walk into M&S, buy myself a bunch of flowers and get it over and done with. Sorry, but it is what it is and flowers are not it. I guess this explains why at six years old I refused point blank to be a flower girl at a family friend’s wedding so they made me a balloon girl instead. But that was the last time I was ever in anyone’s bridal train.

The Three day rule.

Who came up with this rule and most importantly, WHY? No girl should sit waiting by the phone for a guy to call, EVER. But you know guys just luuuuurve pulling this stunt, having us wait and watch the phone, expecting their calls. I’ve done it for too many a cute guy too, don’t worry, you are not alone. Here’s the deconstruct; if a guy doesn’t text you right after your first date or call you by 9am the next day, if he isn’t dead in the ditch the night before, that is, then its a given he’ll suck at relationships. He’s the kind that promises to call but never actually does, the kind that loves to play mind games, will let you take a taxi in the dead of the night to come all the way to his house for a booty call and take a taxi back to yours because he’s too tired and he has to get up extra early in the morning so you can’t really stay over because he can’t give you the keys to his house so you can lock up after you leave, just in case you make a copy for yourself…Mm Hm. You should always judge a guy by his behaviour after the first date, its a great determiner for the longevity of the relationship,  in my opinion anyway. I mean, if you had fun with someone and would love to see them again, why wait for 72hours to let them know?

The Notebook Effect.

Remember that movie? That one that caused so much confusion in relationships for a time, and sometimes still does because, WHY CAN’T HE JUST BE LIKE NOAH?! Right?! I watched it with a very good friend of mine and nearly everyone in the cinema was in tears because it was a beautifully adapted story, and its a tragedy, (we can argue this point later but it is), but Noah was a man of a particular time, a less cynical time. Nicholas Sparks wrote the book loosely based on his wife’s grandparents, who were married for sixty years when he met them. He wrote the novel in 1994…do the math. In today’s highly charged material world, NO, he won’t buy a house and restore in commemoration of the memories you created. I’ll be hard pressed to find a man who would write letters and wait and hope and wish for his girl to come back to him. Cynical but true- if you know someone to whom this has happened, I’d love to hear the story. I’m a sucker for romance, BUT lets be real here sister girl; the guy of today, he won’t even let you leave your toothbrush behind after a sleepover. I can imagine the conversation the morning after the night before; “babe you left your toothbrush behind, do you want me to bring it to you?’ And you’re sitting there looking at the phone like…huh? :O

The date. The Spark, The One.

Now when it comes to the date, some or most of you might kill me for this, but I’m a PAYER; the one who discreetly pays the mâitre’d. I’ve been known to do this on the first date especially, which according to life’s rules, is an abomination and the follow-up call killer, because its a blow to his cojones. Hmmm. I’ll just go ahead and say this now; BULLSH!T. And here’s why

  1. If I don’t ever want to see him again, I’ll pay and that way he won’t feel as if I used him just to eat some fancy meal and dumped him afterwards. It’ll also save the trash talk because you know guys talk a lot like us girls do. Maybe even worse.
  2. If I like him and there is a potential for a second date, then I don’t want him to think I’m a sponge either…you know.

But of course I would’ve killed his mojo by paying so there may or may not be a second date…who knows? I’m just as confused as you are but its very interesting to observe how he handles this situation. Not to worry, however, first date will more than likely be coffee in Starbucks; for the simple fact that I don’t like to suffer in silence and waste a good meal, I’m not the girl to humour you through a bad date, I certainly cannot grin and bear anything. Spending £7 on coffee is not a bad deal in the grand scheme of things to come or not. More important, if he sucks at mere coffee then imagine how awful he’ll be at dinner…

The spark and Love at first sight. This really confuses me because we are preprogrammed to be physical, what we see is what informs our minds on attraction except of course you have special powers that can transcend the physical. For the most part of the spark, if you see a hot guy walking down the road sparks will fly but that does not mean happily ever after beckons. Duh! You say? This should be common sense right? Now it is, but think back to your 21st year on this earth and rationalise all the things you did in the name of Sparks flying and Love at first sight…ahhhh.

Lets save the future generation; there is no such thing as love at first sight because you haven’t know the person long enough to know how they’ll treat you. That is not love talking, love, its the spark aka, lust aka he’s cute and we would have cute babies… Its all very cute but you can never truly know someone until you know them and that takes a lifetime, no spark lasts that long, sorry. Love is the shit you deal with after the spark has died and it ain’t all roses and butterflies. Pass it On.

The One.There is no such thing as “the one” whoever made this up is a fraud. My first “boyfriend” in pre school was probably the one for all of five seconds before I jumped ship to someone with a bigger ice lolly (life and times of a young gold digger). Life is not going to be a Cory and Topanga type situation, even those two wanted to kill each other several times, we won’t all meet our first loves at two years old, hypothetically speaking, and we won’t always love them everyday, some days we may even want to kill them…does this mean they are not the one? NO. Does this mean they are? NO. So what does it mean? I have NO IDEA! I had none then and I have none now. In matter of love, we almost never have a clue.

Its quite clear I am not the best authority on things of this nature (or anything for that matter) so you know, don’t set much store by any of this, but what I do know, is that nothing in life, especially commitment, is finite, so go with your gut, its the one thing that won’t let you down. When sparks fly with the cute guy at the club, its a whole lot of things happening; the lighting, the music, hormones, maybe you’re a little tipsy or maybe its really happily ever after. Just don’t get any tattoos with his name just yet…wait, wait, wait…and take it with a dollop of salt.

But for now, if you are living with any of these crazy assumptions as guideline to your happily ever after, do me a favour, toss it.