life etc.

Domestic Violence

Parental Advisory Explicit Content.

Over the weekend the photos of Charles Saatchi choking Nigella Lawson, his wife of ten years, outside Scotts in Mayfair sent shock waves the world over and personally it hit home. There are no words to describe this animalistic behaviour, none at all. In telling his side of the story, Charles Saatchi has claimed that the incident was not as bad as it was made out to be, “there was no grip it was a playful tiff…the pictures give a far more drastic and violent impression of what took place.” He told the Evening Standard. Really Charles Saatchi fuck you. Fuck you to hell and back.

Domestic violence is a problem we do not talk enough about as a society and it is the reason why violence against women is at such astronomical highs, the reason why a significant amount of rape cases go unreported. It has become a taboo almost and is treated like something that should be handled behind closed doors; between a man and his partner, husband and wife, because for some, it is not our business. Well damnit it absolutely bloody well is OUR BUSINESS and MORE needs to be done.

Domestic violence is psychological, physical and mental, it is a weapon used by weak men to prey on women, a sense of utter control over another, and in the most extreme cases it has been fatal. The picture of Charles Saatchi choking Nigella is uncomfortable to look at but it puts the situation right on the forefront of our minds; Nigellla Lawson is a public figure and will become associated with this issue, wherever it raises its head. This makes it a public issue. I cannot help but wonder what she has to put up with behind closed doors if he can do this in public. Even more appalling is the fact that this happened in broad daylight, in public and no one though to step in to help, maybe even kick his fucking ass. This was not just some back alley location, this happened in uptown Mayfair and not even the restaurant staff stepped in. Like seriously What The Fuck! Maybe that’s not how things are done on that side of the tracks but where I come from, Charles Saatchi would’ve gotten the shit kicked out of him. Lose a few fingers, some teeth and maybe a cracked skull to set his goddamn brains to right because only a crazy person behaves in such a barbaric manner. To the person(s) who called the paparazzi instead of the police, you should know there is a special kind of hell just for you. And to the paparazzi who was so appalled by Saatchi’s actions but not enough to stop taking his pictures and step in, damn you to all seven hells. The basic responsibility we as human beings owe one another is a duty of care and in this instance that duty was neglected. In this age of Social Media gone Wild, we are so quick to want to be the first to tweet this and Instagram that, like this on Facebook and post that…this is one situation that being the first was not winning it was disgraceful.

Domestic violence is a twisted game of the mind, it starts slow and quiet; a snide comment here, a look there and before you know it you are walking on egg shells, afraid to speak, breathe even think for yourself. You start to believe the violence is your fault so you change yourself until you become a stranger to yourself. Abusers often have the power to do that to their victims. Your thoughts don’t belong to you, your whole life is usurped by someone else’s feelings. You act with caution because your actions will have consequences that may result in, a black eyes, a bust lip. Domestic violence served to diminish a person’s self esteem by someone who is ultimately a weakling, one with an inferiority complex. Its complete self isolation from anything or anyone that makes you happy, it seeks control over a person, completely.

How do I know? Because I was in an abusive relationship that started of emotional but quickly escalated to physical. After a while I fought back; he pushed I shoved him harder, he shouted, I screamed louder until the neighbours called the police, he talked and I talked back and when I got hit and I hit back with anything within range because at one point I was fighting for my life. I knew it wasn’t a relationship I wanted to be in but I was powerless to leave. Not out of love but fear that I’d never get anything better. And then he held a knife to my eye, threatening to cut it out after an argument. I didn’t need telling twice; I left and never looked back. I am not thankful that this happened to me because I learnt nothing but hate from that relationship. Hate for myself and those around me and for a long time I was a dark, dark person, my mind was a battlefield of the most fucked up thoughts and emotions. I only saw darkness in everything. I’d lash out at my therapist because I failed to see this for what it was for a long time; ABUSE. Of power, of love, of trust by someone who I should never have expected it from. Every time I remember that time in my life I cringe at how low I stooped to make him happy. Not me, because my happiness was, secondary to and dependent on, his. It was a long time to try to please someone, to fit into his warped ideal; six years too damn long. Someone I now know was never going to be happy with me because he wasn’t happy with himself. At one point I swear I was going insane because I had dark fantasies of killing him or going all Lorena Bobbit on him. I didn’t have any self esteem and I hated myself for the most part because I never felt good enough. But nothing was ever going to be enough. For men who abuse women, nothing will ever be enough.

I hope Charles Saatchi is treated like the absolute scum he is, I hope we don’t shun this as a “private matter” between a husband and his wife, I hope this is what we need to finally spark the debate that needs to be had and actions that need to be taken because it is failure to take these actions and tackle these issues that cause incidents like the ghastly rape cases in New Delhi for instance, happen; because of an utter disregard for women, it is such actions that make women reluctant to report rape because it is not taken seriously enough or they are blamed for,it. I cannot tell Nigella Lawson what to do, far be it for anyone to do so, really, but I do understand exactly what she is going through and here’s the truth Nigella, ITS NOT YOU, ITS HIM.

Charles Saatchi is a fucking bastard and I for one would like his head on a stake.